vital stats

The following statistics were compiled as part of the Worldwide Blogging Census. What follows is for International Blogging Commission use only.

Age: 29

Glasses: Yes

Braces: 5 years

Cavities: 0

Broken Bones: 2

Vegetarian: Yes, except for veal and sea turtle meat

Blogging nemesis: Unknown

Comics drawn to date: 1518

Beat Super Mario Bros. at age: 10

Beat Super Mario Bros. 2 at age: 19

Animals brought back from extinction: Moa, Velociraptor

Foreign language fluency: Kryptonian, Irish

Batman or Superman: Batman

Nerdiness quotient: 89

High school popularity rating: 13%

Total girlfriends: 8

Imaginary girlfriends: 8

Crushes: 42

Wives: 1

Number of people likely to attend funeral: 409

Number of celebrities at funeral: 12

Friends: 2,987

Facebook friends: 2,980

Half court basketball shots made: 0

Framed for murder: 1

Shot a man in Reno: 1

Tattoos: 0

Tattoos designed for others: 1

Lifetime average hourly salary: $5.15

Percent chances of dying from brain tumor due to cell phone use: 74%

Most likely cause of death: ennui

Awards or Honors: Voted “King Tuna” at the Gilbert, Arizona Tuna Fish Festival (1996), 3rd Place in National Stock Market Game (7th grade), Got Out of Physical Education For Half a Year (7th grade)

3 replies on “vital stats”

Nice to see an old post dusted off and put to hilarious good use.

You forgot to mention your uncontrollable lust for Rocky Mountain oysters and California condor-ke-bobs.


I think you could safely assume that the guy who sat in the front row of Scottish history class has a blog. He could be your nemesis.

nwb – There are glaring omissions, aren't there. Gotta save something for the sequel.

slider – My God, you're right. We need to find that guy before he finds us.

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