Robert Zemeckis, I still hate you

Evidently you’ve ignored my last post on this subject.

First you pooped all over The Polar Express. Then you remade Beowulf into something lifeless and vile. Now you’re going to take down Charles Dickens? Seriously, who was sitting around thinking, “A Christmas Carol has been made into a movie about a half dozen times. What the world needs is one more version, but with a computer simulacra of Jim Carrey playing all the characters.” Apparently that person was you, Robert Zemeckis.

In the preview I saw while waiting patiently for The Invention of Lying to begin (a movie that succeeds despite being chock full of real people), you and Jim Carrey posit that this version of A Christmas Carol is likely to be the most faithful to the book. Really, Robert Zemeckis? I don’t remember reading that part in the prologue when Dickens writes, “…and for this to be made into a movie we will need to wait for machines to reproduce the work of human beings, albeit not in a better way, but in a way that makes the viewer feel slightly uneasy for the duration of the story.”

I always thought Dickens wrote about how machines made life worse for people. You know, the whole Industrial Revolution thing and all.

You’re going to continue doing your thing, Robert Zemeckis. I can see that now. There will be no more good movies coming from you. I’ll have to make my peace with that. But do me one favor: when you remake Seven Samurai, please don’t use Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker.

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hey robert zemeckis,

why don’t you make good movies anymore?

Robert Zemeckis made Back to the Future. Who could forget, right? He also made Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Then, sadly, Robert was murdered by a cyborg. That cyborg now calls himself “Robert Zemeckis” and makes movies. Not good movies. No, if the cyborg made good movies it might all be worth it. Cyborg Zemeckis makes terrible, crappy movies that feature computer animated characters who look like they stepped right out of Madame Tussauds’ wax museum.

You remember Tom Hanks. Happy-go-lucky, daffy Tom Hanks. Well, if you love Tom Hanks, you’ll just love this creepy simulacra in the bastardization of the beloved children’s book The Polar Express:  2004_the_polar_express_002
Cyborg Zemeckis doesn’t like real people because he himself is not a person. He cannot understand why you’d willingly go to a theater and watch actors perform a story in front of your eyes. Cyborg Zemeckis thinks you’ll like these guys a lot better:BEOWULF
I’ve never seen a once-beloved director sabotage himself so spectacularly. (Well, maybe one other time.) This is why I must believe there is a Cyborg Zemeckis, churning out movies and sullying the Zemeckis name.

The point I’m getting to is this bit of news: Cyborg Zemeckis is planning on remaking The Beatles’ animated movie Yellow Submarine.yellow+submarine_28Using the same computer technology that made Angelina Jolie look unattractive for once in her life, Cyborg Zemeckis will crush The Beatles’ spirit under its mighty claw.

The Beatles themselves had little to do with the original Yellow Submarine, so I don’t exactly feel betrayed by this turn of events. It isn’t as if Cyborg Zemeckis is recording his own guitar solo for Let it Be then destroying George’s original one. Heck, the remaining Beatles feel so indifferently about Yellow Submarine that they can’t even be bothered to keep the DVD in print.

Zemeckis is taking a weird, independent little film made in the ’60’s and turning it into a bland, corporate commercial for his own production company today. It doesn’t make me angry, just a little sad.