el presidente

Guess who’s coming to town to wish me a happy birthday?
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tie be gone

Look at this guy.APTOPIX Obama 2008
Ruggedly handsome? Check. Pulse on the nation? Check. Tie? Nope.

Barack Obama doesn’t like to wear ties. This shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone watching the election cycle over the last two years. Sure, he’ll put one on for a debate or for a Rolling Stone cover. He may wear one when his daughters eventually graduate. But I can tell you right now, he doesn’t like it. Not one bit.

Barack Obama is the leader of the Free World, and he doesn’t have to wear a tie if he doesn’t want to. I, for one, stand and applaud such a man. For it takes a man, a real man, to stand up to tradition, the status quo, and say, “Ties look stupid.” Because they do. They look real stupid.

Think about it this way: women will put on make-up, have hair removed with lasers, spend time having their hair cut, curled, straightened, colored, glossed, gussied up. These things take time and energy, but ultimately the woman does them with a goal in mind. She wants to achieve a certain look. Men generally don’t do these things, because we are naturally awesome and don’t need cosmetics for women to fall all over each other in pursuit of us.

No no no. Seriously, men don’t do as much, so what we do should be especially meaningful. Any accessory we deem to wear should make us look extraordinarily better. A tie doesn’t do this.

A woman on her wedding day looks beautiful. A man with a tie looks like a man with a dead fish hanging from his neck.

A woman who has matched her purse with her outfit is subtle. A man with a tie looks like there’s a big arrow pointing at his crotch.

I think you see my point. Barack Obama knows this, and my Hope is that he will do for the tie what John F. Kennedy did for the hat: make it go extinct. It is my great wish that future generations will look at pictures of men in ties and exclaim to their grandfathers, “They made you wear that?!” with glee. Please, Mr. President Elect, don’t make us suffer any longer. The noose hangs heavy on us all, and only you can call to commute the sentence.dinosaur_neck_tie

Blog history

yup, we did

We now live in a country where a white guy can sing the blues and a black guy can lead the Free World. Not too shabby.springsteen and obama

Congratulations, America. You passed.

Blog fiction history

Falling Rock Committee on Un-American Activities REVISED

A certain nobody went on some lousy talk show and accused Barack Obama of being anti-American. This is only the latest lie cast upon our friend Barack by the Republicans. However, a more thorough investigation by our own Falling Rock News Team (FRNT) yielded a host of people who have anti-American sentiments. The surprising results follow, listed in order of (1) least hating America to (5) most hating America.

Art Garfunkel. His famous voice sounded the high notes on such chart-toppers as “Bridge over Troubled Water” and “The Sound of Silence.” Alas, when asked what he thought of the state of America’s music scene today, he only shrugged and said “Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio and Simon & Garfunkel?”

George Clooney. Handsome devil indeed. But the man who once visited the United Nations couldn’t be bothered to make pro-America movies. Instead, he resorted to making liberal propaganda.

The Grinch. This rotten, nasty imp will steal the whizz-wippers and hoo-hoffers from right under your nose! Look out, kids!

The New York Yankees. I, along with fellow bloggers Stabbone and McGraw, continue our quest to rid the country – nay, the world! – of these nasty, lying pond scum that sully the name of Major League Baseball.

Dick Cheney. But we all knew he hated America, didn’t we?

The FRNT will stop at nothing to deliver you the whole truth, not some half-baked version of it. We strive to keep America beautiful, and if that means keeping a list of people who are anti-American and waving it around for all to see, well then so be it.

Falling Rock, just like Barack Obama, is staunchly pro-fall foliage and pro-Truth, Justice, and the American Way.

Blog fiction history

The Batman

chicago-bridges A dark city cries for help.

Gotham needs Batman.
Long before there was a Batman to protect us, a band of terrorist criminals kept the fair city of Gotham under a near-constant state of panic.These criminals include:
The Joker George W. Bush
The Riddlerrumsfeld
…and their hired thugs.

This band of terrorist criminals ravaged Gotham until there was nothing left to burn, blow up, or steal. Many wondered: can Gotham rise like a mighty Phoenix to become great again? Some of us threatened to “move to Metropolis,” where at least the sun comes out sometimes and the newspaper is better.

Alas, most do not have the luxury of pulling up their roots and restarting in a new city. Other citizens claimed that we would live to see Gotham as the urban utopia it once was. But how?chicago-hyde-parkEnter: The Dark Knight.

Batman seemed to rise from the darkness itself, striking back at those who had tarnished our once-beautiful Gotham. He is now doing what Gotham’s corrupt police and crooked politicians never dared try. He fights the good fight. He bleeds for our sins. Though many of us will never see the Batman in person, we must rally around his symbol of hope.

Fly, Batman, fly. Into the light of the dark black night.

This post sponsored by OBAMA/CARTER ’08

Blog history

First Superstar President

Barack ObamaBarack Obama is set to become our first Superstar President. He is more than a mere politician. To many of us, he is the change that we want to see in the world.

Like most of us outside the state of Illinois, I was introduced to Obama by his speech at the 2004 Democratic Convention. In what turned out to be the highlight of that election cycle, he gave a speech so great that it outshone the nominee himself. What was that guy’s name?

I spent the next four years wondering why that dude who gave the speech wasn’t the one running our country. Certainly someone capable of introspection and abstract thought would be better than the current resident of the White House, a groundhog scurrying about in a man’s clothes. When Katrina and then Rita tore through Louisiana and Mississippi, our supposed leader holed up in his Texas ranch while Harry Connick Jr. demanded help for his fellow citizens. Why a singer became a better leader than our president remains a mystery. If you’re a person who believes things happen for a reason, maybe you’d think that it took two hurricanes to wake up half the nation from our national nightmare.

As the 2008 election year grew closer, it seemed that Hillary Clinton would be the Democratic candidate for president. This filled me with sadness. Sad because it would really be wonderful to see a woman President – just not that woman. It would be like your parents giving you booger-flavored ice cream.

-Yay, ice cream!
-Wait, what is this? I’m not hungry anymore.

She has obviously been preparing her resume for years. Running for Congress in New York, joining the Senate Armed Services Committee. Yeah, she wants everyone to have healthcare. But booger-flavored ice cream with strawberries really doesn’t make it more appealing. (Let’s see how far I can take this metaphor, shall we?)

The great thing about Barack Obama is he hasn’t become part of the institution yet. He’s still young, smart, and has plenty of political mistakes to make. Sometimes he’ll say something that I’ll agree with wholeheartedly and get blasted by the media for saying it. I’m not sure when speaking your mind and stating the obvious became unwise for politicians. Maybe it’s always been that way. In any case, Obama has not yet become that stone wall where information cannot pass freely. What he says, he means, and what he says, he says eloquently and with passion.

Obama’s speeches are one of his greatest strengths. Unlike the mole-man currently squatting in the White House, Obama can elicit change with his words. You’d think that a man giving speeches for at least eight years would get better at it. The current President proves that public speaking is a talent as well as a skill. After the 2004 Democratic Convention speech, my other favorite Obama speech was the one he gave soon after he was attacked for belonging to a church whose reverend was a weirdo. Known as the Race Speech, Obama answered many of the unasked questions of an African American running for President. More importantly, he addressed a wound that we as a country have yet to fully comprehend, let alone heal. As a white guy, it is hard to adequately discuss the deep divide we still have in this country. One of the best things I can do is listen. We must consider is the amazing diversity of this country: not just black and white but Latino and Asian and just about every other region in the world. Obama’s family background speaks to the way America really is. When Kennedy got elected as the first Roman Catholic president, it was a big deal. Forty years later, we need to keep making steps toward progress, toward understanding.

In the coming months a lot will be said and not much understood. The wrong details will be analyzed to death, words taken out of context and misinterpreted. A cloud of confusion will cover the nation. Keep your wits about you, dear readers. Try not to throw your shoe at the TV. On November 4th the cloud will lift.

We need to remember that we are electing a leader, a representative for us all. We are also electing, in my opinion, a person who we strive to be: the best of ourselves. Obama is just a man, with failings of his own, but he is more than a politician. He is heroic because of his humanity and because he has the capability to show us where we can go.

May our leaders make us leaders.

Blog fiction history

A little information about Barack Obama

Barack Obama grew up poor in a log cabin in Hawaii. Debate between Hawaii and California rages as to which state has claim on little Barack’s birthplace, as his mother gave birth to him while walking in the fields somewhere on the boundary line between the two states.

Obama left Hawaii to travel West. Way West, almost all the way West to Illinois. Illinois, “Land of Obama”, is where Obama now makes his home and his mark on the world.

Obama married Mary Todd Obama and they began their life together. At first, Obama took the sort of jobs expected from a tall man from Hawaii. He earned his first dollar ferrying passengers to steamboats traveling the Ohio River. He wrote poetry. Eventually, he got a job as a lawyer in Springfield, the capitol city of Illinois.

The well-used hat rack in Obama’s law firm was not to remain so for long, as Obama got the itch. At first he thought he had gotten a tick, but then he realized it was actually politics. He ran and won for an office in the state legislature.

During his campaign for President, Obama has already been a part of a series of debates. His grand oratorical style, combined with his manly beard, have propelled him to the forefront of the national consciousness.

Obama once gave directions to a man who was lost. The man asked Obama if he was in Jefferson County. Obama gave him the actual address, which was Gettysburg.

Obama is staunchly against slavery, a controversial position that may lose him votes. He is, however, firm in his belief.

“Honest Barack” is a good man. He can lead us from the darkness into the light.
Blog fiction

A Big-Hearted Man

The President of the United States of America loves bunnies. He is a kind man, with a heart swollen to the size of Barry Bonds after all his steroids, except the President has no need for artificial enhancements.

Bunnies, according to the Leader of the Free World, deserve to live just like any person. Maybe they have an even greater deservedness than some humans. The President believes that the life of a bunny is worth 37% more than the life of a human. He is continually horrified at the loss of baby bunnies due to extreme weather, lack of food, and at the hands of a wily coyote. That this is allowed to happen, in the Greatest County on Earth, is beyond his comprehension. Baby bunnies need to live, so that they can bring joy into an otherwise gray, featureless Earth.

When the cameras are off, when he can hide from the peering eyes of a nation, the President weeps. For every baby bunny who dies, he sheds a single tear. He weeps openly and plainly, out of grief and frustration. So many lost bunnies are due to circumstance. “Natural selection,” as one scientist puts it. But the President does not believe in Science. He believes in Belief.

The President’s wife, a former librarian, is a disciplined woman with a hard stare, and a long, rough physique obtained by years of self-starvation and meticulous neglect. She has no empathy for her husband. He is, in her deep-set eyes, a weak man in need of the right book to set him back on course. She will no longer listen to him speak of the “horrible injustice of it all”, the way the world seems “set against baby bunnies from Day One.”

When the President begins one of his near-daily monologues, the First Lady will calmly call for aid and watch in silence as he is dragged into a secret closet just to the right of the War Room. There he must stay until the torrent of emotion passes. Sometimes this takes hours, sometimes longer. Many of his long “vacations” are not spent in the sunny hills of Texas, but rather the stuffy confines of this closet.

It is said that in early 2001, the maids and groundskeepers believed the White House to be haunted by the ghost of Richard Nixon. They could hear the wailing of a man wracked with pity by something inexplicably large and unyielding. Never did they suspect that the current Commander in Chief was the one who made such a racket. Eventually word spread, whispered words spoken behind doors and in the shadows of those giant White House pillars, that the President felt the pain of every baby bunny who died before its time.

The responsibility of steering a country is a daunting one for even the strongest of men. We must feel fortunate that, at least with this current President, we have a man who cares so much for our unfortunate fluffy friends. One hopes that, with the election coming up next year, we can select a person (woman or man) who has a fraction of the feeling of our current leader.

He is a man who loves bunnies.
Blog fiction history

A Man, A Plan, A Canal: Jimmy Carter

carter obama 08What does it take to achieve greatness? Saving kittens from a burning building? Breaking the 4-minute mile time?

After the Nixon/Ford Combo, America was ready for competence. What it got was possibly the greatest president of all time, in any country, ever. Who is this Dark Horse of which I speak? Why, Jimmy Carter, of course; our 39th President.

Jimmy Carter rode into the office of President on a wave of “Don’t mess this up.” A lesser man would have been content to sign the bills, make the photo-ops, and slide into placeholder status between better-known presidents. An even lesser man than that would have gotten us into an unnecessary war, drove the debt to new heights, undercut education and the environment, and polarized a nation. Jimmy Carter was neither of those hypothetical men.

Jimmy Carter: born again Christian, environmentalist, human rights advocate, farmer, moral compass. He raised the fuel efficiency standards to levels not seen before or since. He mediated talks geared toward Mideast peace. He had a wonderful smile. His wife, June Carter Cash, hailed from a family of musicians and carried on that tradition.

Okay, so he wasn’t married to June. But his real wife Rosalynn, so I am told, was the model of tastefulness and tact.

In this age of doubt and fear, we need the man who turned our nation around at a time of crisis. We need Jimmy Carter to claim his untapped second term. And with trusty sidekick Barack Obama as VP, how can he miss?

My proposal, dear readers, is simple. Carter/Obama 08. The campaign will focus on leading American into 12 years of progressive politics. The slogan will be “JC 2: The Resurrection” (how’s that for catering to the religious right?) The theme song is still undecided, but I’m thinking Springsteen (not Born in the U.S.A. Two Hearts, maybe?).
Mr. Carter or Mr. Obama have not endorsed this message. Yet.