autobiography Blog fiction history

fun facts about hawai’i

Something amazing happened on Inauguration Day. I learned that President Obama graduated from his Hawaiian high school the same year I was born in Hawaii. More impressive still, I was born in the hospital right down the street from his high school. Does this mean our entire lives have been, and continue to be, inextricably connected? Yes.

In light of this new knowledge, and in support of a much talked about but little known state, I present to you a few interesting facts about the great state of Hawaii (or Hawai’i, if you don’t love imperialism). From a couple of Native Hawaiians, President Obama and myself, here is Hawaii:

The islands of Hawaii, when superimposed on a map of the continent and rearranged, will cover up most of the red states.hawaii-over-continent
Many of Hawaii’s exotic native creatures have been killed off to make room for rabbits. Something similar happened in New Zealand. The moa, a large flightless bird, was forced to march into “Reservations” in the nonessential portions of the county. Those “Reservations” were also known as the Pacific Ocean. Moas, unable to evolve quickly enough to breathe underwater, died. Richard Owen, who studied the moa, also had nothing to do with Hawaii.owen
Isla Nublar is actually Hawaii. Steven Spielberg did location shooting for the Greatest Film of All Time, Jurassic Park, there. Not many people know that Spielberg originally wanted to use Muppets to play the dinosaur roles in Jurassic Park. Calamity ensued when Big Bird refused to eat the lawyer and Bert, Ernie and Kermit did not make realistic velociraptors. (“Hiyo, I’m Kermit the Velociraptor!”) Production was shut down until Spielberg figured out machines could do the jobs of Muppets. This led to Jurassic Park‘s pioneering use of computer generated dinosaurs and also to The Great Muppet Depression.

Pictures of Hawaii account for 95% of all computer wallpapers.diamond-head
President Obama and I encourage all of you to explore the island nation/island state. Hawaii offers much to history buffs, famous movie directors, and people who like rabbits. It may never be Vacationland (that’s Maine), but Hawaii has a special place in the history of the United States, and a very special place in my personal history.

Blog fiction history

The Rise of ’09


I can’t wait.

Blog history

tie be gone

Look at this guy.APTOPIX Obama 2008
Ruggedly handsome? Check. Pulse on the nation? Check. Tie? Nope.

Barack Obama doesn’t like to wear ties. This shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone watching the election cycle over the last two years. Sure, he’ll put one on for a debate or for a Rolling Stone cover. He may wear one when his daughters eventually graduate. But I can tell you right now, he doesn’t like it. Not one bit.

Barack Obama is the leader of the Free World, and he doesn’t have to wear a tie if he doesn’t want to. I, for one, stand and applaud such a man. For it takes a man, a real man, to stand up to tradition, the status quo, and say, “Ties look stupid.” Because they do. They look real stupid.

Think about it this way: women will put on make-up, have hair removed with lasers, spend time having their hair cut, curled, straightened, colored, glossed, gussied up. These things take time and energy, but ultimately the woman does them with a goal in mind. She wants to achieve a certain look. Men generally don’t do these things, because we are naturally awesome and don’t need cosmetics for women to fall all over each other in pursuit of us.

No no no. Seriously, men don’t do as much, so what we do should be especially meaningful. Any accessory we deem to wear should make us look extraordinarily better. A tie doesn’t do this.

A woman on her wedding day looks beautiful. A man with a tie looks like a man with a dead fish hanging from his neck.

A woman who has matched her purse with her outfit is subtle. A man with a tie looks like there’s a big arrow pointing at his crotch.

I think you see my point. Barack Obama knows this, and my Hope is that he will do for the tie what John F. Kennedy did for the hat: make it go extinct. It is my great wish that future generations will look at pictures of men in ties and exclaim to their grandfathers, “They made you wear that?!” with glee. Please, Mr. President Elect, don’t make us suffer any longer. The noose hangs heavy on us all, and only you can call to commute the sentence.dinosaur_neck_tie

Blog history

yup, we did

We now live in a country where a white guy can sing the blues and a black guy can lead the Free World. Not too shabby.springsteen and obama

Congratulations, America. You passed.

Blog fiction history

Falling Rock Committee on Un-American Activities REVISED

A certain nobody went on some lousy talk show and accused Barack Obama of being anti-American. This is only the latest lie cast upon our friend Barack by the Republicans. However, a more thorough investigation by our own Falling Rock News Team (FRNT) yielded a host of people who have anti-American sentiments. The surprising results follow, listed in order of (1) least hating America to (5) most hating America.

Art Garfunkel. His famous voice sounded the high notes on such chart-toppers as “Bridge over Troubled Water” and “The Sound of Silence.” Alas, when asked what he thought of the state of America’s music scene today, he only shrugged and said “Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio and Simon & Garfunkel?”

George Clooney. Handsome devil indeed. But the man who once visited the United Nations couldn’t be bothered to make pro-America movies. Instead, he resorted to making liberal propaganda.

The Grinch. This rotten, nasty imp will steal the whizz-wippers and hoo-hoffers from right under your nose! Look out, kids!

The New York Yankees. I, along with fellow bloggers Stabbone and McGraw, continue our quest to rid the country – nay, the world! – of these nasty, lying pond scum that sully the name of Major League Baseball.

Dick Cheney. But we all knew he hated America, didn’t we?

The FRNT will stop at nothing to deliver you the whole truth, not some half-baked version of it. We strive to keep America beautiful, and if that means keeping a list of people who are anti-American and waving it around for all to see, well then so be it.

Falling Rock, just like Barack Obama, is staunchly pro-fall foliage and pro-Truth, Justice, and the American Way.

Blog fiction history

A little information about Barack Obama

Barack Obama grew up poor in a log cabin in Hawaii. Debate between Hawaii and California rages as to which state has claim on little Barack’s birthplace, as his mother gave birth to him while walking in the fields somewhere on the boundary line between the two states.

Obama left Hawaii to travel West. Way West, almost all the way West to Illinois. Illinois, “Land of Obama”, is where Obama now makes his home and his mark on the world.

Obama married Mary Todd Obama and they began their life together. At first, Obama took the sort of jobs expected from a tall man from Hawaii. He earned his first dollar ferrying passengers to steamboats traveling the Ohio River. He wrote poetry. Eventually, he got a job as a lawyer in Springfield, the capitol city of Illinois.

The well-used hat rack in Obama’s law firm was not to remain so for long, as Obama got the itch. At first he thought he had gotten a tick, but then he realized it was actually politics. He ran and won for an office in the state legislature.

During his campaign for President, Obama has already been a part of a series of debates. His grand oratorical style, combined with his manly beard, have propelled him to the forefront of the national consciousness.

Obama once gave directions to a man who was lost. The man asked Obama if he was in Jefferson County. Obama gave him the actual address, which was Gettysburg.

Obama is staunchly against slavery, a controversial position that may lose him votes. He is, however, firm in his belief.

“Honest Barack” is a good man. He can lead us from the darkness into the light.