Blog reviews

why don’t they just blow up Michael Bay?

Falling Rock National Blog formally commends Entertainment Weekly. Last week, they published a fine piece of journalism on the horrific horrors perpetuated upon the public by ersatz director Michael Bay.transformers-entertainment-weekly

While I absolutely refuse to see the latest abomination of my childhood heroes (the Autobots, duh), Entertainment Weekly has done a fine job of showing me exactly what I’m missing. They go one further than boilerplate review, however. They list exactly what is extraneous about Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and suggest edits that would improve the movie.

Why didn’t the editors, Roger Barton, Tom Muldoon, Joel Negron, and Paul Rubell, do their job before the movie hit theaters? Why does the American public have to sit through fart jokes for almost three hours when all they want is hot robot-on-robot action? Why won’t Megan Fox eat a burrito, for chrissakes? These are all questions somebody, for the love of god, should have asked Michael Bay before he was allowed to put this monstrosity onto film.

Some guy at Industrial Light & Magic sat for weeks at his computer meticulously animating Optimus Prime pretending to take a leak on the Eiffel Tower. This is the same guy who animated Iron Man. This is the same company that made dinosaurs walk among us. Do you see the wasted potential here? Does it make you as crazy as it makes me??

I take Entertainment Weekly up on their offer but suggest one better: cut Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen down to twenty minutes, remove all the humans, and air it at 7AM on Saturdays. That’s the way Transformers is supposed to be. They save the world while you eat your Honey Nut Cheerios.

Death to Michael Bay. Long live Optimus Prime.

Blog comic reviews

the better transformers

incredible_change_bots_cover_gif_lg  It’s worth noting that every movie Michael Bay has directed really sucks. Big time. You can’t even call what he does “directing.” He cuts each shot down its smallest possible essence, then cuts it again. Someday there will be a huge explosion from a Hollywood editing studio; Michael Bay will have just split an atom while editing his next film. What I’m saying is, I’m not a fan.

When it was announced Michael Bay was to direct a live-action adaptation of one of my favorite childhood cartoons, my reaction was: meh. The Transformers are basically the best idea anyone has ever had. Robots turn into cars and things and fight each other. A cartoon was the best possible format for such an idea. Plus you had the toys, so you could play along with the episodes. Plus I’m not six anymore.

I did watch Transformers, and I was even more let-down than I expected. If the premise of Transformers is: robots transform into cars and things and fight, then the premise of the movie could be summed up as: Shia LeBeouf wants to buy a car to woo an anorexic chick, the car happens to be a robot and then at the very end some robots fight. And of course since this is a Michael Bay joint you can’t watch the robots fight because he cuts away from them too much. Apparently it is too much to ask to SEE these fantastic robots fighting.

Fear not, dear readers. There is another Transformers story out there, and it is good.changebots_06
Comic artist Jeffrey Brown drew Incredible Change-Bots. Part homage, part parody, all robot, Incredible Change-Bots is everything the live-action Transformers movie is not. Not only do robots fight THE ENTIRE WAY THROUGH, you can gaze at each lovingly-rendered panel for as long as you want.changebots_04
Not only is the story more action packed than the “official” movie, it is hilarious. Incredible Change-Bots was written by a guy who gets Transformers. Unlike Michael Bay, who treats the Transformers like his personal litter box, Jeffrey Brown raises them up to heroic levels. This book contains all the reasons I love the Transformers.

So instead of giving your money to the sissified slap-fest that is Transformers 2, walk down to your local comics shop (or Powells online) and behold the glory that is Incredible Change-Bots.

Incredible Change!