autobiography Blog

the way love works

In our household, love flows from me to my wife and from me to my cat. Love also flows from my wife to me and possibly from my cat to me. I’ve drawn up a chart to show how the first part of this process works:flow-of-love
This is all very scientific.

Lately, the natural order of things has been perverted. The wily cat has been stealing the love intended for my wife and redirecting it to herself. The flow of love interrupted looks like this:flow-of-love-interrupted

No good can come of this. The cat will drive a wedge between me and my wife, resulting in divorce. I cannot let this happen so early in our marriage. Ten years down the road, sure. By then we’ll definitely hate each other. But the cat is trying to expedite the dissolution of our partnership. I can’t sit by and let this happen.

Dealing with cats is a tricky business. Were I pitted against a human adversary, like Alan Rickman in Die Hard, I’d know exactly what to do. Alan-Rickman-Die-Hard
I’d do exactly what Bruce Willis did in Die Hard. But a cat is not a human, and therefore the usual tricks won’t work.

Wish me luck, dear readers. The future of our household is at stake.

autobiography Blog fiction

“My Heart”

Written 3.18.01
Revised 7.19.08

My heart is like a vast ocean: it is filled with crustaceans called krill which whales eat.
My heart swells for you like the rising tide: surfers ride it in competition and it carries sea shells to the sandy beach.
My heart is open like the vast Pacific: planes carrying tourists travel 12 hours to cross it, but that is recent. It used to be Magellan in his boat.
My heart is like a mirror: it reflects people doing their hair.
My heart is like a tape recorder, except instead of receiving sounds, it emits them. It needs an A/C power source or 4 D-size batteries. Some days it eats the tape and of course that’s not covered by warranty.
My heart is like a big fat peach. It goes bad really quickly if you don’t keep it in the refrigerator. Every third week, it goes on sale for $1.99/lb. You’re out of luck if you don’t have the Super Value Card.
My heart rings out like a bell tower. A small hunchbacked man used to operate it, but he’s dead