Blog fiction

Regular Scientist Vs. Mad Scientist

It’s happened to us all a thousand times. You’re at the grocery store, picking out a delicious, ripe peach, when you see a man in a white lab coat diligently taking notes on his clipboard. This man is a Mad Scientist. Or is he?

Truth be told, there is a lot of misperception when it comes to mad scientists. Not all scientists are mad, just like not every dog has rabies. But you do want to stay away from a rabid dog. Oh yes you do. So here is a primer on the differences between regular scientists and their mad cousins.

Does the scientist cackle? Mad scientists (MS) are known for their laughter. Laughing at inappropriate times is another indicator.

Does the scientist reanimate human or animal corpses? Normal, everyday scientists generally shy away from the term “playing God”, but MS relish it. In fact, if you accuse a scientist of playing God and s/he laughs maniacally, you have yourself a bona fide MS.
Does the scientist’s lab assistant have a hunchback and hang around graveyards at night? I think we all know what that means. Single and looking.
Does the scientist express fondness for the good old days when the insane could be experimented upon like lab animals?

Does the scientist have a lab filled with various sized brains in correctly-fitted jars? This is tough, as some everyday scientists study the brain. You’ll have to look for other clues, such as 1) Are the brains stored in Tupperware? 2) Does the scientist refer to the brains by the name of the person they once belonged to? 3) Is there an eye still attached to the brain, and the eye can follow your movements around the room?

Is the scientist’s laboratory located in an old, abandoned warehouse, or a building otherwise unsuited for scientific pursuits? One can deduce that, if you cannot sterilize the lab, you must not care about getting federal funding. Therefore: MS.

Does the scientist pronounce laboratory “la-BOR-a-TORY”? And does the scientist draw the word out with a long exhalation, as though wistfully describing one’s lover?

None of these are proof positive of MS, but they are helpful as guides. This is by no means an exhaustive checklist. Needless to say, many practices (animal hybrids, stem cell research, making food additives) are dead giveaways to MS-type behavior. Please be careful when dealing with ANY scientist, as prolonged contact may cause side-effects too numerous to mention.