benefits of green tea

Green tea is a magical elixir imbued with nearly infinite health-giving abilities.  But how do you unlock these mythical medicines?  Exactly how much green tea do you have to drink to win the health lottery?  Below is a handy chart that will tell you, the green tea drinker, how many cups you need to drink in a day to remedy the disease listed.


Headache: 1
Atheism: 4
Loss of job: 8 12
Distemper: 23
Gout: 126
Allergies: 47
Out of tea: 1
Loss of hearing: 54
Loss of car keys: 98
Man problems: 76 (if the drinker is female), 465 (if drinker is male)
Depression due to running out of Mad Men episodes to watch: 654
Chased by Boogeyman: 300
Chased by Dick Cheney: 14,000
Indigestion: 11
Bad spirits: 7
Hangover: 5
Cable news: 87
Existential crisis: 589
Keep forgetting the endings of movies you’ve seen: 45
Not famous enough: 4,865
Too famous: 5,821
Blogging: 6,738 12,000,000 45,000,000
Life (non com): 1