autobiography Blog

why i don’t like glasses

My eyes have been shot since the fourth grade. That, and the braces I had to wear for five years, and my allergies, make me amazed I wasn’t devoured by wolves before I reached 15.

I wear contacts now, but not for cosmetic reasons. I’ve always disliked wearing glasses. They continually slip down my face. They are uncomfortable. You can never see anything out of your peripheral vision. You can’t wear sunglasses. But the real reason for my dislike of glasses is this:

I’ve always had the completely rational fear that one day, when I’m peeing at a ballpark or an airport, my glasses will slip off my face and into the urinal. I’ll squint, barely able to make out my glasses half-submerged in liquid, resting beside the urinal cake.

Then, I will have to make a choice.

It’s a classic lose/lose situation. Retrieve the glasses, try your best to wash them off, but live the rest of your life knowing you put a urine-soaked object on your face every day. Not just your urine, either. Stranger’s urine. On the other hand, you can leave a pair of expensive glasses in the toilet. You won’t be able to see for days afterward. You might not even make it home; you’ll crash the car on the way.

Fortunately I’ve never been faced with this situation. I pray to god I never will. And for this very reason I put my contacts on every morning, relieved that they will never fall into some cesspool, abandoning and blinding me.

Thank you, contact lenses.