Men have to go it alone in this life. Unlike women, who have magazines, TV ads and Florence Griffith Joyner to guide them, men have no place to turn when we have a question about fingernails. What are a man’s fingernails supposed to look like?
Everybody knows what a woman’s nail should be. It should be colorful, razor sharp, and at least two inches long. A woman’s hand is a container for delicate showy nails. Like a woman’s eyes (vessels for long luscious lashes) and mouth (the back end of a pair of red glowing lips), her hand has absolutely no purpose in nature. It merely grew at the end of her arm so a woman could have beautiful fingernails.
Men’s hands have built such things as the Apollo 11 spacecraft, the cannon, and Falling Water. It is clear to all what a man’s hand is for. (Building awesome things.) Then why do men even have fingernails?
Nobody wants to look at a man’s fingernails. Men don’t want to think about their own fingernails. No one is selling nail products to men. What, then, are we to do?
What I don’t want is to look like a sissy-boy. That is my main motivation regarding my fingernails. I don’t want long girly nails. I don’t want them to be colorful or shiny or attention-grabbing in any way. I don’t want to learn, too late, that my nails have been a topic of scorn among my friends for years.
On the other hand, I never have dirty nails, mainly because I don’t work in the field all day. Should I be digging a ditch with my bare hands for the sake of dirty manly nails? The closest I get is when I paint. Then I have smears of blue and brown and green on my hands and nails. But paint, dear readers, is not dirt.