autobiography Blog

this machine kills faxes

faxWe at Falling Rock National Blog have a deep and abiding love for robots of all kinds. That is no secret. However, this love is not unconditional, nor is it all-inclusive. There are some machines that invoke such hatred in us that we wonder whether a Supreme Creator would be angry at the human race for inventing them.

We are, of course, referring to the despicable fax machine.

Almost instantly outdated, the fax machine is still widely used across the planet. Why is this? How can the so-called civilized nations of the world allow this awful machine to waste our days and ruin our communication? Simply put, before world peace can be achieved fax machines must be dismantled one by one and shot into the heart of the sun.

Fax machines were invented by the Scotsman Alexander Bain in 1843. Here we must pause, because Scotland itself cannot be held responsible for creating a man as vile and detestable as Bain. No, fax machines arose from a fouler place, filled with sulfur smoke and liquid hot magma. While the first fax machine burped up in Scotland, that place is merely the victim in this story, not a willing accomplice.

Over the years fax machines developed from the Morse Code telegraphs to the truly awful contraption we know today. What we know today as the fax really took off in the 1980’s, a decade so vile it produced absolutely nothing of cultural or historic value. Bob Dylan never managed to make a good album in that decade (save Oh Mercy, released in the twilight of 1989). Alfred Hitchcock deemed the 80’s so repugnant that he died four months into the decade. Salvador Dali couldn’t make it through and died in 1989. Possibly the only thing saving the 80’s from complete oblivion is Paul Simon’s Graceland. So thank you, Paul Simon.

Getting back on track, the fax machine quickly became ubiquitous in the office as a way to transmit data across great distances. Of course, we had a pretty good mail system back then, and in the 90’s email became more prevalent. Yet, for some reason, people continued to buy the fax machine.

Using a fax machine, one quickly discovers why it is so bad. Fax transmissions are notoriously dirty. Even the cleanest document comes out riddled with black flecks on the receiving end. Fax machines often fail to send. How many times have you waited patiently for data to send, only for the machine to give you the message reading “Send Failed?” Fax machines are slow. Try sending more than 1 page through a fax and you’ll find that mailing or scanning and emailing the document would have saved you time. Fax machines require excessive maintenance. They fail more often than any other office machine, for no reason.

There are many drawbacks to the fax machine and absolutely no benefits, yet people continue to use them in spite of a plethora of superior alternatives. This can only be due to mass brainwashing or sheer stupidity. I can’t decide which.

Death to all fax machines.


suggestion box

This blog, as it is read by the most intellectually stimulated people around the world, is a good place to suggest improvements on anything from foreign relations to weapons manufacture. In the spirit of the new year, I humbly submit a list of improvements that should be implemented worldwide in the coming year. Should these fail to be carried out in the next 365 days, I would certainly like to speak with whoever’s in charge.

A few things that should be changed in the calendar year 2009:

Car steering wheels. We have been using these outdated contraptions for far too long. Why is it that we’re stuck with a tool used for ships? My suggestion: joysticks. I have read these have already been tested, so all that really needs to be done is put them into the cars that people buy. No big deal here. This can be accomplished by mid-February.

The metric system. Are Americans still angry at the British? No? Then why do we continue with our bizarre system of measurement? Implementation date: June 1, 2009.

Dollar coins. Again, here is something we Americans cannot seem to get right. Why print dollar coins when you only get them in certain vending machines? People look at you funny when you try to use them. You feel like an idiot. U.S. Mint: either stop printing paper dollars, or stop printing dollar coins. You only get to pick one. Implementation date: immediate.

Eliminate the penny. Here’s another one for the Mint. I cannot remember the last time I used a penny when I wasn’t stuffing it in a roll to sell to the bank. Pennies are for flicking at co-workers, not spending. Why do we still print these? Implementation: immediate. Side note: find another denomination to put Lincoln’s head on. I never much liked Andrew Jackson on the $20. Put Lincoln there. He should share the $5 with Martin Luther King, Jr. They can be pictured with their arms over each other’s shoulders.

Fax machines. These have been useless since the day they were created. Send an email with an attachment. Use the U.S. Postal Service. We’re covered already. Fax machines are only used for receiving junk mail at this point. Implementation: fax machines should be immediately discontinued, and the last fax machine should be disintegrated on October 1, 2009.

That’s all I’ve got for now. Should I come up with any more suggestions, you can be sure you’ll read about it here first.

Thanks all! Have a productive New Year.