Blog fiction

Al Swearengen reads you the children’s classics!

Al+SwearengenAl Swearengen, owner and proprietor of Deadwood, South Dakota’s Gem Saloon in the 1870’s, is known best for his foul mouth and willingness to kill for the sake of business. He has generously set aside some of his precious time to read aloud the classics we’ve all grown up with. Not content to merely recite the language written on the page, Mr. Swearengen has peppered each book with bon mots of his own devising.

Gather round! Hear him read from such works as:

Harold and the Purple Crayon
Harold had to do every %$*# thing for himself, beginning with that $*#&#^ crayon. He made a long straight path so he wouldn’t get @($*# lost.

The Lorax
“Lorax, Lorax,” I #&#*#& said just one @&@^#& time. “There’s no cause for &#&@(> alarm. I chopped one <>*#&@^ tree. I am doing #&#^-all harm.”
“Here’s my counter-offer to your counter-offer: go !@^# yourself.”

Where the Wild Things Are
Max said “I’ll eat you up, you ?&#^#&! Now shut the @&% door behind you!”

Goodnight Moon
Good !@&^ night, moon. For all the #*(!& good you’ve done me my whole *&#^@ life.

The Velveteen Rabbit
On Christmas morning, when he sat wedged at the top of the Boy’s stocking, with a sprig of holly between his paws, the effect was charming. !*#^, if I were a *&#^@^ rabbit I’d not want to be Real, because then you have to deal with every <>#*#& thing. Want a shot of whiskey?

For a limited time, Mr. Swearengen’s read-aloud series is available to readers of this blog! Just send check or money order by telegraph to Al Swearengen, care of the Gem Saloon. He’ll be right pleased by your purchase, and you can rest assured your children will thank you for boosting their vocabulary.