cryogenics – Falling Rock National Park

In the last few months, Sambora confided in me her final wishes. Over the course of many private conversations, Sambora indicated that she wanted to be placed in stasis until such a time when a cure for old age can be found. I readily agreed to her plan.

Sambora’s head was surgically removed from her body and packed in dry ice. A drone whisked her from Portland to a cryogenic facility in Scottsdale, Arizona. She was scientifically placed in a head-sized jar and cooled to -196°C. There she will wait in suspended animation.

The future will bring many good things, including cures for every conceivable ailment. 100-500 years from now, Sambora’s head will be removed from its jar, placed on a robot body and brought back to life. Sambora will pick up right where she left off, meowing and sitting and walking and licking. Isis and I will be right there with her, our heads mounted on robot bodies of our own. In the future, almost everything will have a robot body.

I doubt many people in the 1950’s would have thought that the disposable comic book read by a child would become worth hundreds of thousands of dollars today. Of course, had many comic books survived, they wouldn’t be nearly as valuable. What will be collectable in the future? I look around and see plenty of disposable products. Which one will make me rich if, instead of throwing it out, I save it in plastic wrap for 50 years?

I’m betting on milk. Milk, that ubiquitous dairy product you pour on your cereal or drink with Hershey’s brand chocolate syrup. I predict in the future that there will be no more cows, or at least milk-producing cows. Milk will be a thing of the past, a relic to be coveted like a good wine vintage or the original Nintendo system. Therefore, I will begin collecting as much milk as I possibly can in the hopes of selling it one day at a Christie’s or Sotheby’s auction. Milk will buy my future house. It will fund my taste for rare tortoise meat and walrus tusk jewelry. It will be my retirement fund.

I’m sure you’re wondering how I will keep the milk fresh for many years. I have a two-pronged approach.
1) People in the future will be so starved for milk, they’ll drink it even if it has spoiled. After all, what’s a trip to the hospital if you can enjoy the forgotten fruit of the 20th Century?

2) Currently cryogenics firms freeze dead people in the hopes of reviving them in the future. I plan on putting a few cows in there. I’m sure it will cost less to cryogenically freeze a cow than a human, and the rewards of reviving a milk-giving bovine in a future devoid of that liquid goodness will far outweigh the costs today.

I only let you, my dear friends, in on this unique business opportunity. Please do not tell your friends about it. We cannot have everyone saving milk, or my plan will fail. Do not worry; your loyalty will be rewarded.