What does it take to pretend to be President? Performing the duties of the highest office in the land is one that requires self-sacrifice, patience, fortitude, and lots of cash. That’s the real office of the Presidency. Playing the President in a movie or TV show requires an entirely different skill set. But what are those skills?
You have to be old but not too old. You have to seem wise. You don’t actually have to be wise, you just have to act like you know a lot of stuff. It helps if you have a few character flaws. It makes you seem fallible and introduces the idea that even the President of the United States sometimes has to stand naked.
You have to sit at a desk a lot, so your legs don’t have to be all that good-looking. But make sure you know how to wear a suit. Also make sure you know how to look like you’re reading papers with a high level of understanding. You don’t actually have to understand these papers, just as you don’t have to understand the concepts real Presidents have to deal with every day. The papers you’ll be looking at just have gibberish printed on them, anyway.
You have to look deep in thought all the time. You have to be able to address people as though you respect their opinions but really they are below you, intellectually.
You should be white. You can be black now, but only if you’re trying to make a “statement” about “race.” You cannot be Chinese or Russian or North Korean or Jewish. You cannot resemble the leader of a different country. That’s just confusing.
You can be a compassionate President or a vengeful President. You can try to mix those two ingredients, but try to favor one.
The future of the fake United States rests on every decision you pretend to make. Do not pretend to make decisions lightly. Fake people’s lives are in the balance.
Remember these rules and you will make a fine fake President. Real Presidents are judged harshly by historians, but fake Presidents get a free pass. Unfortunately, fake Presidents don’t get Presidential Libraries. If you want to go to a library, you’ll have to get a card just like everybody else.