helicopters make it OK

3141044350_fb55464927_bFilms are complicated endeavors, and there are many things that can go wrong while making a movie. Conversely, there are relatively few things that a director can do to save a doomed movie. One of the most reliable ways a director can save a movie is by adding a helicopter.

Chuck Norris made more than his share of cheap, undercooked action films. Yet, even after all these years, they are enjoyable to watch. He knew that, by featuring helicopters in key scenes, he would transcend the very genre – nay, he would transcend commercial filmmaking itself. And he was right. Helicopters saved Chuck Norris from being a laughingstock. He is internationally feared and admired, with no small thanks to helicopters.

Sylvester Stallone made a small movie in the early 80’s called First Blood. How ironic that the series, later known as Rambo, would achieve fame only when Stallone co-starred with helicopters in Rambo II and III. How would the world look today if there had been no helicopters in the Rambo movies? We’d still be up to our eyeballs in the Cold War.

Predator, a fantastic movie already (featuring two future governors), propelled itself to international renown by featuring helicopters. Echoes of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s line, “Get to the chopper!” can be heard in almost every speech he has given to the California State Congress.

Even in an otherwise irredeemable movie, helicopters make it okay. The Steven Seagal direct-to-DVD movie Against the Dark is poorly written, directed, lit, edited, and acted. Seagal, looking like the fat, sweaty Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now (another helicopter movie), shuffles his way to another paycheck. Yet, it has a helicopter in it. I am proud to say I finished watching Against the Dark due to this very occurrence.

Hack directors like Michael Bay manage to stay in the movie-making business because of their reliance of helicopters. Bay has used a helicopter in every single one of his movies. Is this the sign of a desperate man? Yes. But he’s also made a boatload of money.

Helicopters elevate crap movies to okayness and good movies to greatness. It is on their swiftly rotating blades that all our hopes and dreams lie. Maybe one glorious day every movie will feature a helicopter. Until then, we have the Chuck Norrises and Sylvester Stallones of the world to keep us afloat.