suggestion box

This blog, as it is read by the most intellectually stimulated people around the world, is a good place to suggest improvements on anything from foreign relations to weapons manufacture. In the spirit of the new year, I humbly submit a list of improvements that should be implemented worldwide in the coming year. Should these fail to be carried out in the next 365 days, I would certainly like to speak with whoever’s in charge.

A few things that should be changed in the calendar year 2009:

Car steering wheels. We have been using these outdated contraptions for far too long. Why is it that we’re stuck with a tool used for ships? My suggestion: joysticks. I have read these have already been tested, so all that really needs to be done is put them into the cars that people buy. No big deal here. This can be accomplished by mid-February.

The metric system. Are Americans still angry at the British? No? Then why do we continue with our bizarre system of measurement? Implementation date: June 1, 2009.

Dollar coins. Again, here is something we Americans cannot seem to get right. Why print dollar coins when you only get them in certain vending machines? People look at you funny when you try to use them. You feel like an idiot. U.S. Mint: either stop printing paper dollars, or stop printing dollar coins. You only get to pick one. Implementation date: immediate.

Eliminate the penny. Here’s another one for the Mint. I cannot remember the last time I used a penny when I wasn’t stuffing it in a roll to sell to the bank. Pennies are for flicking at co-workers, not spending. Why do we still print these? Implementation: immediate. Side note: find another denomination to put Lincoln’s head on. I never much liked Andrew Jackson on the $20. Put Lincoln there. He should share the $5 with Martin Luther King, Jr. They can be pictured with their arms over each other’s shoulders.

Fax machines. These have been useless since the day they were created. Send an email with an attachment. Use the U.S. Postal Service. We’re covered already. Fax machines are only used for receiving junk mail at this point. Implementation: fax machines should be immediately discontinued, and the last fax machine should be disintegrated on October 1, 2009.

That’s all I’ve got for now. Should I come up with any more suggestions, you can be sure you’ll read about it here first.

Thanks all! Have a productive New Year.

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