Blog fiction

my brother won’t hook me up with prescription drugs

It all began, as so many drug odysseys do, with an article in the New Yorker. College kids and white collar deadline freaks are turning to prescription drugs like Provigil and Adderall to boost their concentration in 12-hour bursts. Provigil does not explicitly state on the packaging that it is a good drug to take when you’ve been partying for the last three days but still need to finish your essay on The Tale of Genji. As it turns out, though, Provigil works just fine for that purpose.

These drugs are not illegal, which means they are perfectly safe for everyone, all the time. I should be writing this blog on Adderall right now. If I was on Adderall, this post would have been completed four hours ago and by now I’d be compulsively dusting all the bookshelves in my apartment. That’s the kind of fantasy life I would be living, if only I had access to a perfectly legal drug with absolutely no long-term side effects (that we know of).

My brother works in the health care industry. That word there – industry – connotes commercial production and sale of goods. You’d think my brother would be thrilled to provide his services to one of the closest people in his life. You’d think that, but you would be wrong. You see, he has ignored my pleading requests for prescription drugs that would improve my hectic, fast-paced lifestyle.

I am not a drug addict. This is the face of a hardcore drug user:wire_07 wire_06
This is a guy who just wants a little Provigil to improve his writing output:josh-with-falling-rock-book-3-2As you can see, there is a huge difference. The Provigil guy doesn’t have weird scars all over his face or heroin track marks up and down his arms. The Provigil guy lives in a clean (but not obsessively so) apartment, not an abandoned shack in Baltimore. The Provigil guy would totally not get addicted to Provigil even though it has been proven to have strong addictive properties. That’s the kind of stand-up guy the Provigil guy is.

Since my brother works at a hospital, it would be easy for him to grab me a handful of these pills. I assume there are storage closets filled with bins of every pill imaginable, kind of like the bulk foods section in Whole Foods. All he’d have to do is dip into the Provigil or Adderall bin and ship a box my way. It isn’t like anyone keeps a count of how many pills there are in the whole hospital. No one would miss them.

I would appreciate anyone reading this blog to mention this small favor to my brother. It isn’t like I’m asking for a kilo of cocaine. I don’t think they even keep that drug in the storage closet. What I’m asking for requires almost zero effort for him and almost infinite reward for me.

Oh, and if you could ask him to grab a couple unused syringes as well, I have a buddy who’s into heroin. He could use a few new needles.

4 replies on “my brother won’t hook me up with prescription drugs”

My heart skipped a beat to see Bubs on your page. I just finished season 4 two nights ago, and Bubbles is in a real bad spot right now. It rends my heart in two.

On an unrelated note, do you think I'd get more chicks if I was as smooth as Bunc?

We're thick in season 5 right now. Bubbles seems to be doing much better. Steve Earle will help him through.

I spend my days wishing I was as smooth as The Bunk.

Back from vacation. Is it too late to ask for a couple of bottles of Zoloft?


Hey Josh, it's Alissa, I was wondering if you could draw a set of wings as a tattoo for a friend of mine. She's not sure what kind she wants and I thought about your drawings and how different and cool they are and thought I'd ask you to try drawing a pair for me. Thanks so much and keep me updated on stuff you think of. My band has a blogspot its: just leave a comment or ask Adrianne for my facebook or whatever. Thanks!!

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