Blog fiction

If You’re So Smart, How Come You’re Not Syndicated?

Every day millions of faithful Falling Rock readers write in to ask me, “why aren’t you syndicated?” Sadly, Welcome to Falling Rock National Park remains one of countless comic strips orphaned on the internet. Why do the syndicates turn their backs while this poor cartoonist toils away as an anonymous day laborer? And how do I respond to my fans, many of whom read Falling Rock in their college paper and are forced to leave it behind after graduation?

My answers vary, but the real reason is absurdly simple: I have enemies.

Powerful enemies, enemies who will stop at nothing to ensure Falling Rock remains merely a cult sensation and not the mainstream powerhouse it ought to be. Enemies like these:

Nosferatu   Nosferatu   
Blood-sucking dweller of the night, Nosferatu cannot stand comic strips.

The JokerJokerMHBTAS
The cackling Clown Prince of Crime is completely insane. He will not abide another source of humor coming into the depressed slums of Gotham City.

Death himselfdeathseal
Were I to play Death at a game of Chess, he would inevitably take away not only my comic strip, but also my everlasting soul. Death is inevitable, but I fight him off every day in order to bring you four panels of funny talking owls.

The Phoenix Mars lander found evidence that ice exists on Mars. The next step is to send an army of robots to destroy the Red Army currently gearing up for an Earth invasion. These green-blooded ne’er do wells will attack the cartoonists first.

Speaking of the Red Army, Communists will stop at nothing to sap us of our precious comic strips. They have no sense of humor and they don’t like flowers or sunshine either.

My brother
He says that he cares about me but I have my doubts. We were not able to fight to the death when we were growing up together (Mom wouldn’t allow it), but a reckoning is coming. I can feel it.

Norah Jonesnorah-jones
Don’t let the soft, soothing voice and the long dark hair fool you. Norah Jones is out for blood. She plans on hunting down every cartoonist until they become as extinct as the dinosaurs.

Richard Nixonnixon-elvis
He’s been keeping an FBI file on me for years. He knows how much I spend on Bristol board paper and he hates me for it.

There you have it. Before Falling Rock can achieve the success it was clearly destined to have, I must first defeat this rogue’s gallery of swarthy arch-nemeses.

Wish me luck, dear readers.

3 replies on “If You’re So Smart, How Come You’re Not Syndicated?”

The armies of darkness will stop at nothing. Keep drawing.


Had to reread this one. “Norah Jones is out for blood” has got to be one of your best lines ever.


Haha, I had to include Norah Jones because of her outspoken hatred of cartoonists. If Obama picks her as his running mate, we can kiss the Sunday funnies goodbye.

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