Blog fiction

I am an ugly toad.

Let’s get this out in the open: I was never a good-looking guy. I’m not so hideous that babies wail and women shudder, but I’m definitely in that ballpark. In that arena. In that Wal-Mart Supercenter.

I made peace with this a long time ago, then sort of forgot about it. I never really had the need to think about my looks after I made the decision about how truly atrocious I am. Until recently.

My friend – let’s call him Barack – lives in a city we’ll just call Omaha. It isn’t Omaha, but that doesn’t matter for this story. Barack invited me to Omaha to visit him and see the Omahan sights. I was happy to go; it was a short trip, after all, and we hadn’t seen that much of each other when we were in school.

Barack, like me, probably thought of himself as not that good looking in his younger days. The difference is that now every female within eyesight pays a lot of attention to him. We went out for breakfast and the waitress flirted with him. We were at a ballgame and a woman sitting in front of us repeatedly turned around just to say a few words to him.

“What were you talking about?” I asked him later.
“Peanut skins,” he said. You know, the papery covering of the peanut after you’ve cracked the shell.

PEANUT SKINS. Who talks about that? Somebody who just wants to stare into your soulful eyes for a little bit longer.

When I got back home I reported this activity to A. She agreed: the ladies love Barack. It wasn’t just my perception anymore. It now has a woman’s agreement (which makes it true).

I have to admit, it’s a bit thrilling to be near a man who is so loved by the opposite sex. I can’t say that I’m jealous. The word I’d use is “intrigued.” This is a phenomenon I’ve read about many times in spy novels, adventure stories, Entertainment Weekly, as well as seen in such films as Raiders of the Lost Ark, A Hard Day’s Night, and every Woody Allen movie. But never have I seen such a thing in person, let alone to a guy I’ve known as long as I have Barack.

Barack, for his part, takes this as a joke. He isn’t a womanizer; in fact, he’s the opposite. He seems a little shy about the whole process. I assume that only helps his attractiveness.

This story is far from over. I will continue to report on Barack’s personal life for as long as it takes to unravel the mystery. When he gets a girlfriend, you, dear readers, will be the first to know.

One reply on “I am an ugly toad.”

a message from omaha

girlfriend got. shes hot. and we don’t even talk about the peanut skins.


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