Harry Potter, by Charles Bukowski (PART 2 OF 3)

One class I was assigned to the seat next to Draco Malfoy. He didn’t read. He just sat there. And talked.

A young girl came in and sat down at the end of the row. I heard Malfoy. “Yeah, you cunt! You want my cock in your pussy, don’t you? That’s what you want, you cunt, don’t you?”

I went on reading the textbook. Professor Snape walked past. Malfoy said, “You’re on my list, mother! I’m going to get you, you dirty mother! You rotten bastard! Cocksucker!”

The teachers never bothered Malfoy. Nobody ever bothered Malfoy.

It was too much. I slammed my book shut.

“All right,” I told him, “I’m calling your card! I’m calling your whole stinking deck! You wanna go right here or outside?”

I looked at Malfoy. He was talking to the ceiling, insane: “I told you, you’re on top of my list! I’m going to get you and I’m going to get you good!”

O for Christ’s sake, I thought, I really sucked into that one! The other students were very quiet. I couldn’t blame them.

“POTSKI!” Snape was staring at me.

“What’s the matter, man?”

“No talking in class!”

His whole face glistened in fury. It was astounding. I couldn’t understand it.

“500 points from Gryffindor!”

“All right,” I said.

Snape came running down with the write-up. It was written in longhand. I couldn’t even read it. He had written in such fury that it had come out in blots and slants.

“I’m going to kill that son of a bitch!” Malfoy said.

“I wish you would, fat boy,” I said, “I wish you would.”


I slept in the Forbidden Forest that night. It seemed safer. I was tired and that hard tree root didn’t bother me at all. I slept.

Some time later I was awakened by what sounded like a roar. I never knew that hippogriffs roared. Or more exactly it was many things: a roar, an agitated inhale, and a hiss. I also heard the snapping of jaws. A drunken seventh-year was in the center of a clearing and he had one of the hippogriffs by the tail. The creature tried to twist and reach the seventh-year but found it difficult. The jaws were horrifying but very slow and uncoordinated. A Ravenclaw boy and girl stood watching and laughing. The Ravenclaw kissed the girl and they walked off together leaving the other fighting the hippogriff…

I was next awakened by the sun. My robes were hot. They were almost burning. The seventh-year was gone. So was the hippogriff. On a fallen log sat a girl and two boys. They had evidently slept in the Forest that night too. One of the boys stood up.

“Mickey,” said the girl, “you’ve got a hard-on!”

They laughed.

“How much money we’ve got?”

They looked through their pockets. They had one Knut.

“Well, what are we going to do?”

“I don’t know. Let’s start walking.”

I watched them walk off, out of the Forest, back to Hogwarts.


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