FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

As an international cartoonist celebrity, I receive literally thousands of fan questions a day. I’m chin-deep in letters, emails, faxes, telegrams, boxes of homemade cookies and cashier’s checks. Well, not really checks.

My tireless staff compiled the most-asked questions that are asked of me. Now, without further ado, I will answer the third most-asked question:
Which of your characters could you beat in a fight?
First, I’d like to thank the 458,953 people who asked this question. You all have your priorities straight. Now on to the main event.
CARVER
Carver is an owl, therefore he is short. His bones are light and brittle, which makes them ideal for flight, not fight. He will, however, fight dirty. He also has a beak. Beaks are sharp, and I would rather run away than have him poke out my eyes. I give even chances on a match between me and Carver.

PAM (pictured below, resident Babe of the Month)
Pam is tough, and mean, and sure of herself. As a former teacher, she is used to discipline, but I doubt many of her former students ever challenged her to a duel. My chances are improved because she is quite a bit older and has lived a sedentary life. I’m going to have to give the fight to her, though, if for no other reason than this: looking directly into her hard, squinty eyes would break my spirit and my soft grip on sanity.
DEE
Dee is athletic since she works outdoors, she is also a bit younger than me. These qualities both give her the necessary advantage to taking me down. It may be a fair fight, but it is a fight I would ultimately lose.

MELISSA
Melissa is a mountain lion. Her paws are roughly the size of my face. She can sneak up on me while I’m asleep. She knows exactly where to strike her prey for maximum damage. She would undoubtedly beat me in a fight.

ERNESTO
Ah, Ernesto. Although we are both by nature pacifisits, if it came down to it we would fight. He is tall and skinny, but not necessarily muscular. I also have the advantage of being warm-blooded. He cannot stay in the sun or the shade for too long, lest his body get overheated or frozen. He would be tenacious, but I am going to have to give the advantage to myself on this one. I could take Ernesto. I wouldn’t want it, but sometimes you can’t choose who you will have to fight.
Keep those questions coming in, folks. And remember: as an internationally recognized cartoonist, everything I say is likely to be inaccurate at best, filthy lies at worst.
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