Like most people, I know better than Hollywood what makes a movie great. Unlike most people, I have clearly outlined the elements that, when combined, would explode on the screen like the hugest blockbuster ever seen.
Little known fact: although Titanic holds the record for highest grossing movie of all time, it is not the most-seen movie. That distinction goes to Die Hard 2: Die Harder. Due to heavy TV rotation and DVD watchings worldwide (including a screening in Tangiers which reportedly drew a crowd of 75,000), Die Hard 2: Die Harder is the movie most people have seen. Admittedly, no one has seen it all the way through in one sitting, but I’m counting partial viewings.
When The Dark Knight shamefully failed to claim the spot as highest-grossing movie of all time, by a paltry $70 million, it was more than I could take. If Batman can’t beat the big boat, then the proletariat will have to rise up together and do it ourselves.
What follows is a list of the elements that must be included in the highest-grossing movie of all time. Some items on this list are completely incompatible. Some can be combined in the same character. The details will be worked out at a later date, after I get some funding.
Without further ado, the list:
-a world-weary grizzled old man with a beard
-a young man with revenge on his mind
-a young man who can be described as a “loose cannon”
-a cat from outer space
-Charlie Kaufman script
-a soundtrack featuring Bob Dylan
-a moral dilemma
-a murder that is solved at the end of the film
-special effects that serve the story
-special effects that just look cool
-a giant ape
-sound (see: “talkies“)
-a woman who doesn’t take no backtalk
-a woman reporter described as “spunky”
-a woman who can be described as “easy on the eyes”
-a space fight
-a fight in an old abandoned warehouse
-a good old-fashioned fist fight
-a character whose motives cannot be determined until the end of the film
-a character with shifty eyes
-a character who is purely evil
-4 hours of CSPAN coverage of Congress
-just kidding about that last one
-characters who save an orphanage
-characters who say the things you wish you could put into words, if only you had the wit and charm
-one or more elephants
-a beautiful sunset
-a foggy morning
-green rolling hills
-the Arctic Circle
One thing that will absolutely not be in this movie: a singing child.