Blog fiction

Concerning the Rumors Online

The time has come to address certain falsehoods circulating on the World Wide Web about me. I have, for a number of years, shrugged aside the untrue accusations because I felt they would go away if I didn’t respond. Well, they haven’t gone away and so I’m going to put them to rest. They are all maliciously spread and completely made-up, every single one of them. I don’t want to name names, as my enemies have with me, because I’m above my enemies and I won’t sink to their slimy level.

I will say that the people, the urchins, the bottom-dwellers, who fabricated these rumors are all unfit to inhabit the same earth as the rest of us upstanding individuals. I would recommend they be sent away to some distant ice planet, but the cost would not justify it. Instead, I will let it be known that those spreading rumors about me are terrible, lowly slugs and they should look out for the Salt of Justice.

The following rumors about me are false:
– My real teeth have all been removed; I have a set of wooden teeth.
– I scream like a baby girl when I see, or am shown a picture of, a sea cucumber.

– I eat endangered sea turtles for dinner every night of the week.

– There are Hebrew slaves building a statue of me that can be seen from space and will later be outfitted with WiFi.

– I retro-fitted my car to consume three times as much gasoline as necessary, just to use more oil.

– Jimmy Carter picked me as his running mate for the 2008 Presidential Race. [this is the only rumor I wish was true. -ed.]

– I compare myself favorably to Rosa Parks.

– I sleep in an oxygen tank, I don’t have a nose anymore, none of my children are my own, I own the entire Beatles catalogue and license the songs out to any company with enough money.

– I always begin mass emails with the salutation “Friends, Romans, countrymen,”

– I mix up forks and knives.

– I mix up left and right. (Variations of this rumor state that I mix up right and left.)

– I have a partially developed, non-functional ear growing out of my back.

– My epidermis is showing.

– Jim Morrison is living in my guest room. [this rumor is easy to disprove, as I don’t have a guest room. -ed.]

– I lied about my age on my birth certificate.
I’m sure there are more rumors by the time I post this, but I honestly don’t want to take the time to list them as they come up. Suffice to say, disregard all the bad things you hear about me over the internet.

Thank you for indulging me, and I hope you will spread the word that I am what I am, and I’m not what I’m not.

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