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a note to the spiders in my house

Spiders, you and I are on the same side. I hate bugs; you kill and devour bugs. We should be teaming up, but instead I had to murder two of your number the other day. One of you was hiding (although “hiding” is not really what it was, was it?) next to my cat’s food bowl. The other was spinning a web in my bathroom. Have you no shame?

I am glad you guys eat bugs. Nobody wants to see more bugs in this world. But here’s the thing: I don’t ever want to see you in my home. Ever. I don’t want to see you scurrying across my living room, I don’t want to see you hanging out on the ceiling directly above my bed. I can understand the webs in the corners of my windows. Bugs can enter the apartment through minuscule cracks in the windowsill and you have to be where the action is. But what I don’t want is spiders near my living space. That includes the spider I found near the dish rack by the sink. Yeah, I murdered him too.

Summer is here and that means you spiders have a field day with all the bugs emerging from their winter’s slumber. That doesn’t mean you get free reign over my living space. You don’t get to spend time with me just because we have a loose alliance. We agree on one thing and one thing only – the mass elimination of bugs. Beyond that, we’re not going to have drinks together after work, we’re not going to play a little pick-up game of basketball this weekend. I’m not going to give you high-fives. Sorry, but this is a fact of life.

Here’s the deal, spiders: you go on living your life and I’ll do the same. You remain unseen by me and I will never go out of my way to harm you. If I awake one night to find one of you laying eggs in my ear, you will all feel the pain. I will make existence for all spiders so hard you’ll wish you had never opened your thousand-million eyes in the morning. But if you can do your bug-eating thing without being seen by me, we’re totally good. I wish you all the best.

I hope this little talk has not been for nothing, spiders. Let’s try to work together and I think life will be better for everyone (except bugs, of course).

One reply on “a note to the spiders in my house”

Spiders. They have their uses, but lets face it: they can be real assholes.

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