Archive for January, 2010


happy new year! from Falling Rock and Dan Bern

One of my favorite songs from one of my favorite musicians, Dan Bern. I like the idea of starting off the year with a fresh start rather than a closet full of murder weapons. I know, I know; you can’t stop the zombie apocalypse without some semi-automatics. But that’s what the military is for! Heck, the only reason I pay my taxes is just in case we need the Marines to halt the advance of the zombie army. In the meantime, though, let’s see if we can be a little less violent this year.

Here’s to 2010!

Disarmament

Well, you can’t stop
on the side of the highway
see if someone
needs help

You can’t pick
a hitchhiker up
He might
have a gun

How could you send your kid
to an American school now?
I could not send my kid
to an American school

Well I can almost see you
having a gun
if you lived out, way out
on the open range

If there was no one
within 30 miles of you
But these days we live next to
and right on top of each other

Well back in 1933
Einstein left Germany
He knew what he was feeling
And he wasn’t feeling safe

I wonder if he felt like his number
could come up any time
I wonder if he felt entered
in some dark lottery

It’s no wonder
we need so many drugs
The mall on the edge of town
has turned into Beirut

I do not like
anyone walking behind me
And I do not want to get stopped
by the cops for anything

I’m talking disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament

Talking disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament

See, I do not want my politicians in my bed or in my house or house of God
I don’t care what they believe in
Or what they look like or who their daddy is

And I do not care
who a senator sucks or a president fucks at all
How many ads they got on TV
What they did or did not do in the war

See I’d rather kill the guns
Then have to kill off my emotions
I’m scared to speak my mind, or disagree, or even move
I might get noticed

Man, it’s just no fun anymore
The golden rule has changed
Fire unto others
before others fire unto you

I don’t need no more erection pills
I don’t need a million baldness cures
Hell, these days to die in a car crash
Is practically dignified

What’s the point of going to the health club
building your body, pumping them weights?
If a five-year-old can walk up
and blow you away

Hey governor
What you doing about the guns?
Hey candidate
What you gonna do about the guns?

I don’t really want to die
‘Cause someone’s pissed off at his girlfriend
I don’t want my kid to die
‘Cause someone didn’t make the football team

I don’t care what John Rocker says
The first amendment’s good by me
But the second one’s outdated
Its ashes ought to be burned and scattered

We’re talking disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament

Talking disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament

I write this from some highway rest stop
Now I’m gonna go sleep in my van
In America these days
That makes me practically a hero

I don’t care what the top ten movies are
I don’t care who just won a million dollars
I don’t care what you think of abortion
Though I think it’s probably better to eat the egg than kill the chicken

Hey senator
What you gonna do about the guns?
Hey Mrs. President
What you gonna do about the guns?

Hey Batman
What you gonna do about the guns?
Hey Superman
What you gonna do about the guns?

Hey Lone Ranger
You ain’t alone anymore
Too many other rangers
Time to turn in your gun

Hey policeman
Time to turn in your gun
Hey everybody
Time to turn in your gun

England isn’t coming
We ain’t holding off the Huns
If you want to hunt the elk
Check out a gun like you check out your bowling shoes

See, I’ve heard all the arguments
“We need the guns against the government”
But the last time that I checked
The government’s supposed to be us

And if that isn’t true
Let’s have a revolution right now
But if the government is us
Let’s get rid of all the guns

People say it could never happen
Well, that’s what they said about Jim Crow
The day he became president
John Kennedy said “Let us begin”

We need disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament

Talking disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament
Disarmament

I used to live next to a nursery school
Those kids screamed all day, every day
I often dreamed about killing them
I’m glad I didn’t have a gun


friday robots: happy 2010 edition

I always thought mixing Westerns with Sci-Fi was a brilliant idea. Here’s an Albuquerque bartender robot, awaiting your order.

What’ll it be, Lloyd?friday-robots-1-1-10


mesozoic era reptiles

I’m guessing this is what they looked like on Casual Fridays.mesozoic-reptiles-color

 



YOUR SOURCE for Alan Rickman

new+rickmanHuh.

According to Google Analytics, the top keyword search for this blog in the last month was “Alan Rickman.” When did Falling Rock become synonymous with this British actor? Make no mistake, I’m honored to be in such esteemed company. Mr. Rickman has proven himself a versatile and hugely talented actor.

But, seriously. Why not “comics” or “Falling Rock” or “hott cartoonist?”

Ah, well. Here’s to Alan Rickman. May his name drive traffic to my blog for many years to come.young+rickman



how to build a strong marriage

katie_holmesThe tests of a marriage come in all manner of shape and size. It is as if some supreme being created the institution of marriage as a supreme prank on the human species. “Here, see if you can handle this,” I imagine Him saying, tossing marriage like a cancerous frisbee with a perverse twinkle in His eye. Then He lays back on the supreme La-Z-Boy and cracks open a Cold One.

Some tests of marriage are big: where will we live? What will our jobs be? Some are minute: we each bought a gallon of milk today! How will we drink all that milk before it expires? But a true test of a lasting marriage often comes from out of the blue. At least, it did for me. For me, the true test of my marriage came hours before my wedding ceremony.

My fiancee Isis and I traveled to the tiny mountain town of Telluride, Colorado to tie the knot. Telluride was formed as a mining town. Their city hall, where we procured our marriage license, has burned to the ground three times; each time it was rebuilt. In the struggle between law and chaos, Telluride has chosen law.

Besides having a city hall, being surrounded by pristine mountain wilderness, and having an awesome free gondola that you can ride all day long if you like, Telluride has recently become known for the celebrity couple living there.

Tom Cruise (renowned for his voiceover work and infomercials) and Katie Holmes (who stole the heart of Batman and Professor Grady Tripp), recently engaged at the time, bought a small house near downtown Telluride. This was big news; it was also worrying to Isis. What if the Hollywood couple chose to get married the same weekend we did? Would the town be transformed with the arrival of paparazzi, looky loos, and the “in” crowd?

Isis needn’t have worried about it. Tom and Katie’s marriage turned out to be much later than ours, and not even in Telluride. What she should have been worried about, however, was the unexpected meeting of Katie Holmes and her fiancee.

I was in the local wine shop with my brother. We wanted to stock up for the wedding party following the outdoor afternoon ceremony. With the help of the shopkeeper, we made informed choices suitable for the celebration (unlike my fellow blogger, we are not wine connoisseurs). As I was waiting for my brother to make his part of the purchase, Katie Holmes walked in.

Here’s how it went down: I stood behind my brother. The counter was situated so that you walked right past it as you entered the store. There was a narrow walkway, so if someone were to enter the store as you were making your purchase, you’d have to step aside to let them pass. This is what happened with me and Katie Holmes. I heard the door open, looked over, and saw Katie. I smiled (my friends will attest: this is what I do with everybody) and stepped back to let her and her friend, an older woman with short blond hair, pass.

It happened so quickly I didn’t really have time to process it. But once my brother and I were out of the shop, I stopped him.

“Katie Holmes is in the wine shop,” I said to my brother. I had my hands on my knees, as if winded from a sprint. “Did you see her?”

“No,” he said, clearly bummed out.

I had him go back inside on the pretense of looking at another bottle of wine. He came back out and said he wasn’t able to get a good enough look at her. He did say he saw a young woman with the same length brown hair as Katie Holmes. But I, who had seen her straight on, knew the truth.

We went back to where we were staying and immediately told the first person we saw, Isis’ brother. As other members of the wedding party got back, we told them too. None, except Isis’ brother, believed me with as much certainty. My bride-to-be was especially skeptical. She stated that in no way could I have seen Katie Holmes. She was scared, I’m sure, but she needn’t have been.

You see, dear readers: I met Katie Holmes and I still wanted to get married to Isis. Never, not once, from the moment I saw Katie return my smile with a look somewhere between avoidance and contempt to the moment I said “I do” to Isis later that day, did I entertain the thought of not going through with the marriage.

Does that make me stronger than Batman? Yes.

In spite of the fact that I could have easily wooed Mrs. Cruise in the wine shop, I never for one second asked to postpone the wedding. I never thought of going back, using my best pick-up line,* and running away with a Hollywood starlet. That should tell you the intensity of my commitment to the woman I was about to marry.

The future will bring many more tests of our marriage. We will weather them with aplomb. Ours is a strong union that no lightning with crack, no flood will breach. I know this because I met Katie Holmes.

*“Are you a model or something? Because you’re pretty.”