Archive for October, 2009

friday robots: chuck close edition

My Chuck Close imitation. I don’t think he has anything to worry about…except evil art-critic robots. They’ll destroy your career and before you know it you’ll be designing coupons.

The top image is the final, what follows is permutations. Just FYI, dudes.

live, in austin

Do you like music? Are you doing anything Friday night?

If the answers to those questions were Yes and then No, I’ve got a treat for you. My friend Henna has a band, and they are playing at Club Mixx this Friday in Austin, Texas. I got to design the posters for the show. Even though I can’t be there personally I bet it’ll be a lot of fun.

So go! Even if you have to carpool all the way from Lubbock or Medicine Mound, it’ll be worth it.

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chin up, chicago

So you lost your Olympic bid, Chicago. You’re the laughingstock of the entire world! No, I’m kidding. Lots of cities weren’t even in the running for the 2016 Olympics. My home state of Arizona has never hosted the Olympic Games, ever. It should be an honor just to be nominated (even though you have to nominate yourself).

Think of all the great stuff Chicago has that Arizona doesn’t.

Sufjan Stevens made an entire album about Illinois. He says he’s going to get to all the states, but there’s no way this will happen. He is never getting to Arizona, for example.

Chicago just impeached its Governor. So what? Arizona elected a racist who eliminated the Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday for the entire state. Arizona wasn’t even a slave state, but it sure made the rest of the country think we were walking around the desert in pointy white hoods. He was impeached after about a year in office.

A couple governors later, Fife Symington was arrested by the FBI for extortion, making false financial statements, and bank fraud. He was thrown in the clink, thus ending his governorship. (He was later pardoned by President Clinton because one time Fife saved Bill from drowning in a river. True story.)

Oh, and John McCain? He was one of the Keating Five, a group of US Senators who were accused of defrauding the government.

Chicago’s political corruption may be legendary, but Arizona’s corruption is somehow more repulsive to me.

Other things Chicago has that Arizona doesn’t:

-a river that runs all year round, not just for two days in August
-a downtown that attracts not just business but tourists, TV shows and movies
-humidity (although this may not be such a great thing for the Summer Games)
-baseball that can be played outdoors, not in an airconditioned dome
-ties to two of the best Presidents
-“Chicago Style Pizza”

So you see, Chicagoans, you’ve got nothing to cry about. Don’t shed a tear for the lost Olympics. Just look at your friends to the Southwest and see how good you’ve got it.

Oh, but the Diamondbacks did win the World Series this century and the Cubs still haven’t. I’m not pointing any fingers, but maybe you should blame the Cubs for this one.

fingernails of men

left-right-handMen have to go it alone in this life. Unlike women, who have magazines, TV ads and Florence Griffith Joyner to guide them, men have no place to turn when we have a question about fingernails. What are a man’s fingernails supposed to look like?

Everybody knows what a woman’s nail should be. It should be colorful, razor sharp, and at least two inches long. A woman’s hand is a container for delicate showy nails. Like a woman’s eyes (vessels for long luscious lashes) and mouth (the back end of a pair of red glowing lips), her hand has absolutely no purpose in nature. It merely grew at the end of her arm so a woman could have beautiful fingernails.

Men’s hands have built such things as the Apollo 11 spacecraft, the cannon, and Falling Water. It is clear to all what a man’s hand is for. (Building awesome things.) Then why do men even have fingernails?

Nobody wants to look at a man’s fingernails. Men don’t want to think about their own fingernails. No one is selling nail products to men. What, then, are we to do?

What I don’t want is to look like a sissy-boy. That is my main motivation regarding my fingernails. I don’t want long girly nails. I don’t want them to be colorful or shiny or attention-grabbing in any way. I don’t want to learn, too late, that my nails have been a topic of scorn among my friends for years.

On the other hand, I never have dirty nails, mainly because I don’t work in the field all day. Should I be digging a ditch with my bare hands for the sake of dirty manly nails? The closest I get is when I paint. Then I have smears of blue and brown and green on my hands and nails. But paint, dear readers, is not dirt.

I’ll blog on, hopefully not alienating my audience by having the wrong kind of fingernails.flojo