Archive for July 15th, 2009


Harry Potter reaches middle age

Some people think that after the sad, sad events in his books, young Harry lives a happy life of bliss. I’m here to break the bad news. After having to watch almost all his friends and family die at the hands of the noseless menace Voldemort, you’d think nothing worse could happen to Harry. Far from living a charmed life, however, Harry’s future is one of pain, heartbreak, and ultimately desolation.

Here are a few chapters from the rest of Harry Potter’s life:

Harry Potter and the Mid-Life Crisis. Harry realizes he is no longer attractive, with his beer gut, his bizarrely-shaped bald patch, and his halitosis. He undergoes radical plastic surgery and comes out looking like an anime character.

Harry Potter and the Ingrown Toenail. It gets infected. Really gross, but for some reason Harry talks about it nonstop whenever guests are over.

Harry Potter and the Colonoscopy. Every man, wizard or not, needs one of these.

Harry Potter and the Werewoman. Harry thinks he’s found a man who turns into a woman every full moon. “This is great!” Harry thinks. “I’ve got a new best friend AND mistress.” Turns out the werewoman is just a transvestite.

Spoiler alert! For those of you who want to peer deep into Harry’s future, here is what you can expect (hint: sorrow).

Harry Potter Sits on a Park Bench Wondering Where the Time Went and, as the Young People Jog By with Their Blackberries and Whatnot, He Looks Down at the Expectant Pigeons and Begins to Weep.

*Still not ready for the weepfest at the multiplex? Further Potter reading can be found here:
Harry Potter by Charles Bukowski
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

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