Archive for December, 2008



library awareness

multnomah-libraryFurther proof that libraries are the pinnacle of civilization, the Multnomah Public Library system now carries my zine, Dancing with Jack Ketch! There’s even a link on the catalog page to my website.

Don’t worry, non-Portlanders. Just message me and a copy of Jack Ketch can be yours!



nemesis

I must have a nemesis blogger. Everyone has a nemesis; it’s one of the laws of humankind. I wonder what my nemesis is blogging about right now. Do you suppose he (or she!) is wondering about me? When I look up at the moon and think about my nemesis, is he looking at the moon at the same time, thinking about me? Could he be singing the second half of a ballad that I began?

My nemesis blogger should be easy to spot. He will be darkly handsome. He will be clean-shaven and wear a suit and tie at all times. You may feel inexplicably drawn to him, like matter into a black hole. Here are some of the topics he blogs about:
He loves late Garfield more than early Garfield.
He eats fast food all the time and throws the wrappers out his Hummer’s open window.
He will run over a bicyclist purely out of spite.
He loves Karl Rove and Dick Cheney. He keeps a shrine to them online.
He thinks Mel Gibson in Braveheart is better than Mel Gibson in Mad Max.
He doesn’t like any movie made before 1996 or filmed in a language other than English.
He hates penguins.
He believes dinosaurs walked the Earth at the same time as cavemen.
He thinks Chan Marshall is the name of a Muslim extremist.
He thinks Ringo was the best Beatle.
He eats mayonnaise straight out of a tub bought from Costco, all the time.
He has a bumper sticker on his Hummer that says “Bomb Art” and depicts a silhouette of a bomber dropping nukes onto the Guggenheim.
He believes cats are the devil’s minions.
His knowledge of the Blues extends only to Stevie Ray Vaughn.
He refuses to try curry.

As you can see, this blogger holds strong opinions and possibly live firearms. If, when you’re surfing the internet, you stumble across his blog, please let me know! It’s important to keep your enemies close, you know. I need to know what he is plotting in case his plans include sabotaging my blog.

Be wary, dear readers!




Bob Dylan: A Brief Biography

One of the finest feelings in the world comes from knowing there will be a new Bob Dylan album in the future. I do not need a specific date. Just knowing Bob will, at some indeterminate date in the future, waltz into some studio and lay down tracks for his next album, fills me with unbridled joy.

What with the clamor and the hustle and bustle and the bells and whistles and the haves and have-nots of this holiday season, who has time to read a 2,000 page biography of Bob Dylan? Not that one exists, but if one did, who’d have the time to read it with the aforementioned distractions?

Therefore, my year’s end gift to you, dear readers, is a brief biography of the man known to the world as Bob. I have checked and re-checked my sources, so if you have any problems take it up with the management.

THE 1950’s
A young Bob attends one of Buddy Holly’s final concerts. At the end of the performance, Buddy steps off the stage and hands his crown and scepter to Robert Zimmerman. In a blinding white flash, plain Robert Z. is transformed by the Gods of Rock into Bob Dylan. The crowd cheers.

THE 1960’s
Records the seminal album of the sixties, then goes on to record eight more just in case.

Invents the town of Woodstock, New York.

Loses acoustic guitar, replaces it with electric accordion.

Records best music video known to man.

Totally ripped off by The Monkees.

Has a three-way with John Lennon and Allen Ginsberg.

THE 1970’s
Cheats on his wife one too many times.

Plays a cowboy in a Western.

Records Josh’s favorite Bob Dylan song.

Consoles Richard Nixon after he resigns in shame. Nixon reportedly cries like a little baby.

Records the seminal album of the seventies, then records seven more just in case.

Has a three-way with David Bowie and Mick Jagger.

THE 1980’s
Shaken awake by the voice of God thundering down unto him. Goes on to write a song about it: “Wiggle Wiggle.”

Spends most of decade in a sort of animated hibernation.

Makes the worst music video known to man.

Has a three-way with Jack Daniels and Sam Adams.

THE 1990’s
Remembers what makes his music great, records that onto a disc.

Almost dies, writes an album all about death and loss, and seems happier than he has been in at least 15 years.

Secretly becomes a Jew again.

Begins wearing a cowboy hat, a trend that will continue to his last days.

Plays 84,236 concerts, at which he plays 1,263,540 songs. None are played the same way twice.

Has a three-way with Bono and Kurt Cobain.

THE 2000’s
Designs and builds solar-powered hover car.

Briefly retires from Rock to pursue a Classical Piano career.

Stars in his own sitcom, “Bob’s Blues.” Runs for 8 years on ABC, then for the rest of time in syndication.

Records albums that become popular enough that people claim he has “sold out.”

Has a three-way with Jack White and T-Pain.

2873: Bob Dylan dies when the power to his life-support machine is cut due to the sun exploding and eating the solar system due to World War 12. His 345th album, Fortune’s Dusty Liar, came out two weeks previously.

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Friday Robots

It’s a robot think tank, located in a fish tank. Who knows what those rascally robots will come up with when left to their own devices. Perhaps the screenplay for Teen Wolf 3?friday-robots-12-12-8

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website updates

I spent a few hours over the weekend updating my website. My goals were:
1. Decrease loading time for the background images.
2. Maintain site style.

I hope I achieved the first goal by drawing new backgrounds that aren’t as colorful as the old watercolor ones. I liked the watercolors, but I noticed they took way too long to load on most people’s computers. I have to assume nobody will wait a full 30 seconds or more just to see if a background will load on a page they’ve never visited before.

I’m using brown paper (AKA craft paper) for most of my backgrounds now. It reminds me of desert sand, and I like what it adds to my black and white line drawings.

I have to say, updating my website is by far the least favorite thing I do for my comics. It ranks somewhere below sweeping around my drawing table for eraser shavings. I’m never able to do what I really want to do, and every change requires many, many updates to the html code. I always forget a few until I go online to check the site and find a broken link, or a lost image, or something in the wrong place. I also haven’t figured out how to make a background fit all computer screen sizes. Nothing works the way I want it to.

All of this is a long way of saying I’m a cartoonist, not a website designer. (In my list of second careers, I’d rather be a paleontologist, sound engineer, sound mixer, or librarian. Or dinosaur, of course.)

Let me know what you think when you visit the updated website. Really, I just want it to be easy to read Falling Rock. Everything else is frosting.