One of the finest feelings in the world comes from knowing there will be a new Bob Dylan album in the future. I do not need a specific date. Just knowing Bob will, at some indeterminate date in the future, waltz into some studio and lay down tracks for his next album, fills me with unbridled joy.
What with the clamor and the hustle and bustle and the bells and whistles and the haves and have-nots of this holiday season, who has time to read a 2,000 page biography of Bob Dylan? Not that one exists, but if one did, who’d have the time to read it with the aforementioned distractions?
Therefore, my year’s end gift to you, dear readers, is a brief biography of the man known to the world as Bob. I have checked and re-checked my sources, so if you have any problems take it up with the management.
A young Bob attends one of Buddy Holly’s final concerts. At the end of the performance, Buddy steps off the stage and hands his crown and scepter to Robert Zimmerman. In a blinding white flash, plain Robert Z. is transformed by the Gods of Rock into Bob Dylan. The crowd cheers.
Records the seminal album of the sixties, then goes on to record eight more just in case.
Invents the town of Woodstock, New York.
Loses acoustic guitar, replaces it with electric accordion.
Records best music video known to man.
Totally ripped off by The Monkees.
Has a three-way with John Lennon and Allen Ginsberg.
Cheats on his wife one too many times.
Plays a cowboy in a Western.
Consoles Richard Nixon after he resigns in shame. Nixon reportedly cries like a little baby.
Records the seminal album of the seventies, then records seven more just in case.
Has a three-way with David Bowie and Mick Jagger.
Shaken awake by the voice of God thundering down unto him. Goes on to write a song about it: “Wiggle Wiggle.”
Spends most of decade in a sort of animated hibernation.
Makes the worst music video known to man.
Has a three-way with Jack Daniels and Sam Adams.
Remembers what makes his music great, records that onto a disc.
Almost dies, writes an album all about death and loss, and seems happier than he has been in at least 15 years.
Secretly becomes a Jew again.
Begins wearing a cowboy hat, a trend that will continue to his last days.
Plays 84,236 concerts, at which he plays 1,263,540 songs. None are played the same way twice.
Has a three-way with Bono and Kurt Cobain.
Designs and builds solar-powered hover car.
Briefly retires from Rock to pursue a Classical Piano career.
Stars in his own sitcom, “Bob’s Blues.” Runs for 8 years on ABC, then for the rest of time in syndication.
Records albums that become popular enough that people claim he has “sold out.”
Has a three-way with Jack White and T-Pain.
2873: Bob Dylan dies when the power to his life-support machine is cut due to the sun exploding and eating the solar system due to World War 12. His 345th album, Fortune’s Dusty Liar, came out two weeks previously.