I must have a nemesis blogger. Everyone has a nemesis; it’s one of the laws of humankind. I wonder what my nemesis is blogging about right now. Do you suppose he (or she!) is wondering about me? When I look up at the moon and think about my nemesis, is he looking at the moon at the same time, thinking about me? Could he be singing the second half of a ballad that I began?
My nemesis blogger should be easy to spot. He will be darkly handsome. He will be clean-shaven and wear a suit and tie at all times. You may feel inexplicably drawn to him, like matter into a black hole. Here are some of the topics he blogs about:
He loves late Garfield more than early Garfield.
He eats fast food all the time and throws the wrappers out his Hummer’s open window.
He will run over a bicyclist purely out of spite.
He loves Karl Rove and Dick Cheney. He keeps a shrine to them online.
He thinks Mel Gibson in Braveheart is better than Mel Gibson in Mad Max.
He doesn’t like any movie made before 1996 or filmed in a language other than English.
He hates penguins.
He believes dinosaurs walked the Earth at the same time as cavemen.
He thinks Chan Marshall is the name of a Muslim extremist.
He thinks Ringo was the best Beatle.
He eats mayonnaise straight out of a tub bought from Costco, all the time.
He has a bumper sticker on his Hummer that says “Bomb Art” and depicts a silhouette of a bomber dropping nukes onto the Guggenheim.
He believes cats are the devil’s minions.
His knowledge of the Blues extends only to Stevie Ray Vaughn.
He refuses to try curry.
As you can see, this blogger holds strong opinions and possibly live firearms. If, when you’re surfing the internet, you stumble across his blog, please let me know! It’s important to keep your enemies close, you know. I need to know what he is plotting in case his plans include sabotaging my blog.
Be wary, dear readers!