I can’t wait.
I drew these while watching Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson. I’d like to say they were inspired by the crazy awesome drawings of Ralph Steadman, but I think they look like pretty much everything else I draw. Oh well!
Since writing about my Blogger Nemesis a few weeks ago, I have waited in vain for a response. I stood alone in the doorway, waiting for my enemy to approach from the darkness, to show his (or her!) hideous visage.
Alas, no nemesis appeared. Is my nemesis a chicken? Does my nemesis think he can cower among the cobwebs of the internet and hope I won’t see him? Or is my nemesis quietly gathering his forces, waiting for the right time to strike? I hope I can withstand a surprise attack, I hope I am strong enough to face the mortal blows my nemesis has in store for me. For when my nemesis does make his entrance, I can assure you it will not be pretty.
We may start with petty insults. Soon, though, it will escalate into more personal attacks, bits of information neither of us ever wanted the world to know. It will get dirty, dear readers. Be warned. You may never think of your beloved blogger the same way again.
For while I strive to be optimistic and cheerful, my nemesis holds no such moral code. He will certainly go for the low blow; he will hit below the proverbial belt. In defending myself, my blog, and my way of life, I may have to resort to tactics unheard of in the Bloggosphere. Of course I hope it doesn’t come to this, that my nemesis will surrender without stipulation. But if I know my nemesis, and I think I do, he will not fold that easily.
In this season of caring and renewal, we never want to face an evil so great it shakes us to our very core. But that is what I am prepared to do, not only for myself but for all you faithful readers who stick with me week after week in this journey of self-discovery we call “blogging.” It is the American way to not back down when your beliefs are under attack by the forces of darkness. That’s what Tom Petty says, anyway. I stand beside Tom Petty. It is our joint resolve to not back down.
I wish all of you well, and I hope this post finds you in good health. All of you, that is, except my nemesis. You know who you are.
Portland has been the lucky recipient of snow this past week. Snow in Portland is strange; snow for a week straight is downright suspicious.
Fortunately we have a fan-tucking-fastic weatherwoman named Rhonda Shelby to keep us up-t0-date. (I couldn’t find any video of her in action, unfortunately.) This past week has been her time to shine. While other weatherpeople ham-handedly talk about snow and ice as though it was some mathematical proof, Rhonda lays it all out on the table. She is both clear and precise, with a good sense of humor. She does not have that fakey journalist inflection you sometimes hear in regional markets. She is, basically, the opposite of Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. Actually, she’s like Bill Murray at the end of Groundhog Day.
Of course we’re holding our breaths, because when you get an excellent local news person, there’s always the threat she will get plucked from obscurity for a chance at national TV (or, as they call it, The Show). We do not want to lose Rhonda, but if she continues to be this good I cannot imagine her staying in Portland for much longer.
So, Rhonda, keep up the good work at letting us know which mountain passes are unpassable and which weather pattern we should be expecting later this evening. And get home safe!
Like most people, I know better than Hollywood what makes a movie great. Unlike most people, I have clearly outlined the elements that, when combined, would explode on the screen like the hugest blockbuster ever seen.
Little known fact: although Titanic holds the record for highest grossing movie of all time, it is not the most-seen movie. That distinction goes to Die Hard 2: Die Harder. Due to heavy TV rotation and DVD watchings worldwide (including a screening in Tangiers which reportedly drew a crowd of 75,000), Die Hard 2: Die Harder is the movie most people have seen. Admittedly, no one has seen it all the way through in one sitting, but I’m counting partial viewings.
When The Dark Knight shamefully failed to claim the spot as highest-grossing movie of all time, by a paltry $70 million, it was more than I could take. If Batman can’t beat the big boat, then the proletariat will have to rise up together and do it ourselves.
What follows is a list of the elements that must be included in the highest-grossing movie of all time. Some items on this list are completely incompatible. Some can be combined in the same character. The details will be worked out at a later date, after I get some funding.
Without further ado, the list:
-a world-weary grizzled old man with a beard
-a young man with revenge on his mind
-a young man who can be described as a “loose cannon”
-a cat from outer space
-Charlie Kaufman script
-a soundtrack featuring Bob Dylan
-a moral dilemma
-a murder that is solved at the end of the film
-special effects that serve the story
-special effects that just look cool
-a giant ape
-sound (see: “talkies“)
-a woman who doesn’t take no backtalk
-a woman reporter described as “spunky”
-a woman who can be described as “easy on the eyes”
-a space fight
-a fight in an old abandoned warehouse
-a good old-fashioned fist fight
-a character whose motives cannot be determined until the end of the film
-a character with shifty eyes
-a character who is purely evil
-4 hours of CSPAN coverage of Congress
-just kidding about that last one
-characters who save an orphanage
-characters who say the things you wish you could put into words, if only you had the wit and charm
-one or more elephants
-a beautiful sunset
-a foggy morning
-green rolling hills
-the Arctic Circle
One thing that will absolutely not be in this movie: a singing child.