Archive for April 8th, 2008



The Boogeyman Who Founded Oregon

Did you know that the man named “Father of Oregon” was actually the Boogeyman? It’s true!


Dr. John McLoughlin (pictured above) is known as “Father of Oregon.” He was also a Boogeyman. In addition to his service to this state and to the United States of America, he crept into people’s houses at night and ate their children.

Dr. John McLoughlin, born in Riviere du Loup, St. Lawrence, Canada, worked for the Hudson Bay Company. In 1824 he and his lovely, unknowing wife moved with to Oregon to ostensibly “start afresh.” Like so many creepy supernatural figures, McLoughlin figured that if he headed into the relatively unsettled West, he would find rest from those who would destroy him. Once in Oregon, he became a central figure. He is especially known for his efforts in overseeing the migration of people from the East Coast to Oregon, for making the town site for Oregon City (just down the river from Portland), opening the first lumber mill in the Pacific Northwest, and for outliving two of his four children. He died in 1857, grizzled and worn. His house remains a tourist hotspot in Oregon City.

The lesser-known story on McLoughlin is his life as a Boogeyman. A Boogeyman, or “Bogeyman,” awakes at night and eats children. He often crouched in closets, flattened himself under beds, or hid with ghoulish glee right behind an open door. His eyes glittered with animal lust, his long teeth bared in the pale moonlight. He wore a mask of civility during the day, but at night he feasted. Boogeymen are depicted on TV and in movies as fanciful creatures that look very little like humans. This is supposed to set them apart from civilized creatures. But real-life Boogeymen look just like you and I. Well, almost.


How do I know McLaughlin was a Boogeyman? Look closely at this picture of the fiend. The prominent forehead, the shocked white hair. The excessively bushy muttonchops. In this photo he wears a black cloak of some kind. He looks both nervous and angry; this makes sense, as he was probably not thrilled at being photographed in his beastly state.

It is often the case that Men of State are thinly veiled monsters. They use their animalistic powers to climb the political ladder, then abuse the peoples’ trust by devouring their children at night. Most of the signers of the Declaration of Independence were devil-beings of some sort. Thomas Jefferson was a vampire. Ben Franklin, a mummy. Even George Washington himself was nothing more than a clawed Zombie King.

Oddly, Richard Nixon is one of the only Presidents who was not a Beast from Below. Researchers have found him to be thoroughly human.

Dr. John McLoughlin’s shadow covers the state of Oregon. We must protect ourselves from his lingering evil. But we must also acknowledge the good he did for our great state.